Which brings me to those initial questions. Here's what I've learned. My closest friendships have been forged in my adulthood in the last decade. They grew because I simply decided to love these people. I simply decided (though i vacillated in fear) to trust that these people loved me, understood me, even when I feared that they didn't. In deciding to trust, to love, I grew exponentially because the people I decided to love were the best "eggs" ever. They helped me flesh out all that was good, yet tentative in my personality. They showed me what was possible in the way they lived their lives fearlessly, always assuming the best of people and situations and facing the world with a goodness that is undeniable. My decision to trust/love them was the best decision of my life because I began to manifest the qualities I so long for in a life partner. So, the latest realization is that: love, a life partner, happens when I simply decide to love/trust a person completely. To expect them to do good, to succeed, to have good intentions all the time, to expect them to have only love and goodwill for me. I've learned that I must step down off the broken ghetto girl routine and expect people, places and things to work out for me and to love me, just cause. When I do that, this floodgate of love happens. This floodgate of good things happens mostly because I've made myself vulnerable enough to say, "you may hurt me, but not intentionally, but mostly I believe that you will love very intentionally." So unconditional love is the dance here. It is a dance, I get up every day and recomitt to it ...trust, this is no walk in the park....lmao...
Okay, so I got this with the deep friendships with the people I've chosen to make family with. What about the partner, the mate, do I block this connection? I've been worried for months that I do. And then I just paused, I don't block. I simply await the moment in which I feel someone has chosen to lead me. I believe, the dominance and alpha female stuff I have in business is a sham. I'm not definitively alpha, however, I am a devout believer and passionate artist in love with the human condition, so I get excited (and many times bossy) about how that condition, that story is treated. It drives my work. Not money (which would really make me an alpha dog), but rather, love...beauty...serendipitous grace. When we find the deep, profound goodness in each other right here on earth, that is the divine for me. That's what I live for. When someone shows up ready to live or tell that story to me, I go still and I listen. Because you're the one I've been waiting for. I believe I do best in relationships when men choose me. Because it's taken me so long and I've worked so hard to become the person I am, I need to know that that is being seen and loved.
I may be an alpha female, but the feminine principle is my guiding force. My feelings being cherished is primary to me. My sensitive heart is what I lead with. To me, that is the feminine, to be able to receive nurturing and care and give respect and loyalty in return. That is my core and it's not for everybody, but it is for me. (no matter how many books I read and politics I rant about, LOL) The receiving, the surrender that leaves me with only decision-making as my job. Choose me, I'll follow. Because in that choosing comes a kind of clarity of mission, clear biological and emotional moves that my spirit understands. When a man says, "Okay, I've decided to take you on, to learn, to explore because you seem kinda authentic, wacky, a little "woo woo rainbow hippie," but it's earnest and charming and I think you have some real sticking power because you mean everything you say." When that is the dynamic and that proposition is handed to me without hedging, without doubt, I totally dig that and fall in line...yes, I can be tamed, I simply need the lay of the land outlined for me clearly, deeply from an extremely balanced, emotionally intelligent man. Because if you are, in the choosing of me, you understand what you're getting. And I respect that and that makes me feel safe. Ambivalence, fear, hesitation, mistrust, the assumption that you will be screwed again, all of that may never be articulated, but my body experiences that as dangerous. As something murky and unloving and unsafe. And my body doesn't like that smell and will never respond. I follow my instincts because I firmly believe that courtship is biology for me. It is not a feminist movement, it is not a dialectical discussion, it is mother nature saying, I know what you need and I need you to respond to what your genes have been asking for for generations. For me, that instinctual knowing in courtship is everything. Biology rules. I know that when I feel an immediate, visceral response to a man, that biology is talking to me and warning me to pay attention. Mostly because that response happens once every 10 years if I'm lucky. It does not mean that this is the right relationship, but what it does mean is that this encounter needs a bit of my love to flesh itself out and if I come with an open heart and give that love, I may not meet the man of my destiny, but what I will meet is a lovely human being that will teach me exactly what it is that I need to know to grow, to become my better self in preparation for "my one." This cake will be done when he arrives...make no mistake.
Every time, I sense the choosing is happening, and I decide to love. Magical things happen. I am always left with this immense love of humankind when I see people as their best selves. We only become our best selves when we decide to love unconditionally. I am working on becoming love, but in the interim, I see lots of wonderful people to practice this love on....I'm learning gentle words and their power. I'm learning tenderness and the power of an unrelenting belief that someone will meet the challenges and continue to go beyond all my expectations....it's powerful stuff.
Have I met my mate? I don't know yet. I'm practicing how to love men, babies, homeless people, noisy teenagers, grumpy neighbors. I'm just loving on them and the world feels much brighter each time I do like I'm walking in perpetual sunshine. The next time a man steps up and clearly choses, I'll have a much better sense of where the relationship is landing. I think men learning how to choose unequivocally is a rite of passage. I think women learning how to accept, surrender to possibility and goodness is a right of passage because ultimately, they lead both of us to a different place. A place where we learn to put someone else's happiness above our own. If it's done right, you make family (even without the paperwork)...it's an important part of growing up and a far different kind of love that happens when both people know who they are and have decided to place finding a mate as central to their lives. It's the good stuff...it's the hard stuff...but it's very very cool...this reciprocity of love, light and rainbows.